Save your marriage: Tame your anger

Getting angry is a part of life, it only shows that you are normal and that you care. However, there are some who get so angry that they lose it and end up breaking things and destroying our property in the process. Mwereti Kanjo spoke to experts on how you can control that rage and this is what they had to say.

Excessive anger is one of the major sources of marital and family stress. Anger outbursts often lead to physical and emotional abuse. If you experience such from your spouse, you may feel bad about the situation; however, instead of holding a grudge against your spouse, think of the situation like one to which there’s a cure and that cure is placed in your hands.

Psychologist Sandra Mapemba says: “The recognition, understanding and resolution of this powerful emotion are important for the health and happiness of marriages, children, and families. In order to prevent serious conflicts in marital relationships, it is essential to determine whether existing anger is appropriate, excessive, or misdirected

“To make this distinction, it is essential that the spouses understand the nature of anger and develop the ability to express honestly disappointments and stresses which lead to anger toward a spouse in a healthy manner. It is important that you look for the truth in what your spouse is saying,” she says.

According to Mapemba, intense, inappropriate anger is usually known as borderline anger a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

Recent research shows that people with Borderline Anger have a stronger anger reaction, and that their anger has a much longer duration than other people experience. Therefore, the level of anger seems to be more intense than is warranted by the situation or event that triggered it.

“At an appropriate time, talk with your spouse about the argument referring to how you felt rather than the actions displayed e.g. I was really scared when you raised your voice at me not you raised your voice at me as if I were a small child – this will only add fuel to the fire. 

“If your actions were the cause of the anger then apologise, state the rectified behaviour and try and carry this promise through as it will become the reference point of the next argument.  Hence the key is to pinpoint what the anger is all about and talk about this and agree on the appropriate action should this occur,” said Mapemba.

Professor Chiwoza Bandawe says: “People who are quick to anger are also quick to calm down. This is because anger is a living energy that must be let out. People who keep things inside result in an outburst. The person that got angry has expressed themselves although breaking things is not the right channel. The best that you can do for this person is to acknowledge their anger and validate the reason why they are angry. Then slowly try to talk them out of it”

He says that anger is a healthy, normal emotion when you know how to express it appropriately. Anger management is about learning how to do this. Anger management is a process of learning to recognise signs that you’re becoming angry, and taking action to calm down and deal with the situation in a positive way. Anger management doesn’t try to keep you from feeling anger or holding it in.